Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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