He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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