I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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