She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
