not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
