You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
