I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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