You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
