If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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