I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
