just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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