I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
