come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
