i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
