life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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