There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
