I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
