sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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