I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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