Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He did a backflip because drugs
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
