At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
