if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
