You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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