Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
