Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
