roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
