I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
well you can't waste a boner
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
