I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
