I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
