Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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