I'm going to jail i love you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
nutella sex= disaster
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
