got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
