Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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