someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
