so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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