hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
