I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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