I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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