I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
