Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
