i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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