First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
