thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Actions speak louder than pants.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
