Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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