he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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