Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
