it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
