chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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