she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
