I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
