When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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