i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
