Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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